From the mailbag

Dear Actually Home,

I'm a shy person, that's just who I am. But I find that in order to be a modern man, like be on the Internet, it's necessary to post one's photographic likeness and that's something I'm too ashamed to do. Should I just forget about being modern because I don't see an alternative here.

Signed,
Anonymous Man with Reddish Brown Hair


Dear Anonymous Man with Reddish Brown Hair,

I'm sorry to hear about your affliction. Did you know that you are not the only one who has it? In fact I have a feeling that most people reading this RIGHT NOW feel exactly the same way that you do.

I've made you a gift. It is a simulation of you, so you have something to post on the Internet without being ashamed. In it you are wearing comically oversized sunglasses so your friends will be too busy smiling to notice that you are shy.

Signed,
Actually Home

From the mailbag

Dear Actually Home,

My birthday's coming up, and I don't know whether to throw a party at my house or have everyone meet up at a bar. What do you think?

Signed,
Undecided


Dear Undecided,

Will the event be held on your actual birthday, or just the weekend night that's closest to it? Because no one likes to be a part of this conversation:

Guest: Is today your actual birthday?
Host: No, my actual birthday is on Tuesday.
Guest: Oh.

Signed,
Actually Home

From the mailbag

Dear Actually Home,

I want to get my wife the perfect present for our one-year anniverary. What do you think I should get her?

Signed,
Troubled Hubby


Dear Troubled Hubby,

What kinds of things does she like?

Signed,
Actually Home

Do not say these things.

Phrases that must not be said by you or the people you love:

• 'Nuff said.


• The ass-crack of dawn.


• What happens in (wherever) stays in (wherever).


• The horizontal tango.


• Single and ready to mingle.

Additionally:

• You should not refer to Jack Daniels by its first name or insinuate that it is your good friend Jack.


• You should not refer to yourself in the 3rd person, especially if you are being ironic about it.


• You should not correct someone for misusing the word "literally" if they seem like a nice person.

How to respond to an old person who has just been racist.

Old man: Guess which candidate I'm following, just a little bit.
Bus driver: Senator Clinton.
Old man: Don't insult my intelligence.
Bus driver: Giuliani.
Old man: Don't insult my integrity.
Bus driver: Obama.
Old man: Yes! I'm following Obama. Just a little bit. Do you happen know why?
Bus driver: No I don't, sir.
Old man: Well, there's two reasons. First, he's an educated man. I can respect that.
Bus driver: Sure enough.
Old man: And secondly, he's a well-groomed man. That's very important in a candidate. You get it?
Bus driver: I got it.
Old man: But that's why his people are angry at him.
Bus driver: Oh? I didn't --
Old man: That's why he's got to have body guards around him all the time. Because his people are jealous. Because he's so well-groomed.
Bus driver: Huh. Yes sir.
Old man: You got it.
Bus driver: Say, whatever happened to Ross Perot? Haven't heard from him in a while.
Old man: No, can't say I've heard from Ross Perot.
In the rear view mirror, bus driver exchanges a sly smile with me.

A type of person who needs to be taught a lesson.

Lots of people have natural competitive streaks, and that's okay as long as you know how to control it. And if you're a mature adult you can probably do that.

So what what's wrong with those people who can't. You are 35 and you beam with pride when you are beating your nephew 35-16 in Boggle, instead of thinking that maybe you need to take it easy the next round. Not let him win, just take it easy. That would be the normal thing to do. Do you still think the normal thing is to play 100% of your game in all situations? You need to be taught a lesson.