Please lay off of making commercials in December, or just make commercials about how you hope everyone has a nice shopping experience at Hammacher Schlemmer, because that is a much more respectable place to buy a Christmas present.
If I were on heroin, I would not want people interrupting me by saying things like "damn this is some good stuff" or "are you going to go to the club tonight?" I would say, "I paid a lot for this heroin and the nice feeling only lasts for a half an hour* and I don't want you ruining it by saying things to me."
I'm a shy person, that's just who I am. But I find that in order to be a modern man, like be on the Internet, it's necessary to post one's photographic likeness and that's something I'm too ashamed to do. Should I just forget about being modern because I don't see an alternative here.
Anonymous Man with Reddish Brown Hair
Dear Anonymous Man with Reddish Brown Hair,
I'm sorry to hear about your affliction. Did you know that you are not the only one who has it? In fact I have a feeling that most people reading this RIGHT NOW feel exactly the same way that you do.
I've made you a gift. It is a simulation of you, so you have something to post on the Internet without being ashamed. In it you are wearing comically oversized sunglasses so your friends will be too busy smiling to notice that you are shy.
- He was the streetest cast member of The Electric Company.
- He is in a race with Donald Sutherland to be in the most movies in history.
- He is contractually obligated to do the voiceover for tender documentaries.
- In 1996 he and James Earl Jones got into a fight and from then on Morgan Freeman has gotten all the roles of wise black men while James Earl Jones had to appear on an episode of "According to Jim."
- He wore earrings for one day and then threw them out.
- He was a mechanic in the Air Force and speaks fluent French, and both of those are the truth.
For centuries this was the only option:
- How goes it with you?
- Quite well indeed.
and people were polite about it but kind of bored and anxious. Then the 20th century happened and everyone went crazy with new questions and answers to greet each other with. In WWII era most people said:
- How are you?
- Fine thanks.
which has retained popularity in some circles even to this day. In the 1960's hippies invented:
- What's up?
- Not much.
which in 1991 was briefly relpaced with:
- What's up?
- The sky.
but this interpretation was squashed within a matter of weeks, and the generic question and answer people greet each other with became:
- How's it going?
- All right. (variation: "pretty good.")
But people have gotten fed up with this lately, and they are demanding a new option for things to say when they see their sort-of friend and don't know what to say to them. What should it be? You must decide. Please select from the options below:
- How are you feeling?
- Healthy and strong.
- Where are you coming from?
- A good place.
- Is it nice to see me?
- It is always nice to see you.
- Why has it been so long since we have seen each other?
- Because you are in such high demand.
- Do you like this outfit?
- I love that outfit.
- "Rocket Man" was supposed to be a less scary version of "Space Oddity" that would not upset the children.
- George Martin still gets sheepish and uncomfortable whenever someone calls him the fifth Beatle.
- The man who wrote "Monster Mash" can't believe that in 45 years no one has written a better song about Halloween, but that's the way it is, and he's still making a lot of money off of it.
- In "Cat's Cradle," the father was actually better off not spending time with his son because his son was an asshole.
- After the Turtles named themselves the Turtles everyone was like okay, that's enough of naming ourselves "The" and then a word after it for a while.
- Everyone got really mad about the song "Like a Rock" and to this day no one likes it.
- After much denial the truant party (you are probably picturing Stephanie Tanner) admits to an earlier wrong-doing.
- The more morally upright person (this time let us picture Chandler) imparts some wisdom that transcends the issue at hand and reaches the hearts of us, the viewers.
- (And this is an essential but forgotten rule) The mood is broken with a hilarious joke. (e.g. Joey walks in and demands a sandwich)
Which brings us to the new most important scene in television, which is the hour-long drama wrap-up montage. The rules are as follows:
- It has to start when there are only five minutes left in the show.
- All of the story lines that you have just seen in the last fifty-five minutes are wrapped up in a single shot where you see that even though everyone was whining about their problems they are secretly kind of happy. (e.g. The people who are probably going to get a divorce still like to smile while looking at their dog.)
- In the background, the main female character says things that are very broad and might apply our lives.
- Also in the background, a beautiful song is sung by a woman wearing mascara and a cashmere tunic.
- (Optional) Something very surprising and terrible happens in the last shot. (e.g. Meredith falls into a pool!)
- Is it a pea or is it a bean? It is a legume, so it's kind of both and neither at the same time.
- "Chick pea" is of Latin origin and "garbanzo" is of Spanish origin. Yet ironically most of these things are consumed in a vegetarian eatery outside Berkeley, California.
My birthday's coming up, and I don't know whether to throw a party at my house or have everyone meet up at a bar. What do you think?
Will the event be held on your actual birthday, or just the weekend night that's closest to it? Because no one likes to be a part of this conversation:
Guest: Is today your actual birthday?
Host: No, my actual birthday is on Tuesday.
- The Palm Islands. A couple of manmade islands that are shaped kind of cool, but they are mostly used as theme parks. The wonders of the world need to be classy, and theme parks are as a rule not classy.
- The Taj Mahal. Classy. But it is already very famous and does not need the publicity.
- The Astrodome. Out of the running, because the guy who built it is the one who gave it that nickname. And also it is just a stadium with a roof over it. So what.
- Andre the Giant. Pretty tall wrestler whose nickname was the eighth you know what. He was French, which is nice, because I think the wonders should all be from the old world to keep with the tradition. But again he was a person. (And a nice actor, and probably a very nice man, from what I can tell.) People out of the running. Even this guy.
- The Thames Tunnel. A nice engineering achievement, but should it be considered? A tunnel is only air.
- The Panama Canal. Again, a nice achievement, but the definition of a canal is "a place where there is enough not-land so that a boat can fit through."
- King Kong (the movie, not the gorilla). TOO SAD.
- The Terracotta Warriors. Giant things in China and most of them can't be photographed, so we don't even know what they look like! (Except for Chinese people who live near there.) This is a strong condender because they are old, myserious and probably scary.
- The Baha'i Gardens in Haifa. They are in Israel, which is a pretty classic place to put a wonder of the world, but there already a garden in the original seven wonders. So I think this would be unfair.
- Elizabeth Arden Eighth Wonder of the World Cream. Come on guys that's just dumb.
Happy World Internet Day, everybody. Would you like some facts about the Internet? Here you go.
- As of September 30, 2007, 1.244 billion people use the Internet.
- Some of those people are using the Internet right now.
- Americans only make up 18.96% of the people who use the Internet. Come on guys, pick it up!
- The first website ever was about the game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
- The biggest website is probably Yahoo or Google.
- Starbucks lets you use the Internet for free. You must bring your own computer. Be polite and buy a scone.
- If you would like to turn off the Internet, you can do it here.
Madonna used to be called the Material Girl, which loses points for being self-imposed but is at least a little iconic. Now everyone says Maddy or Mo. Seriously people, her name is only one word long, it does not require any shortening. Some people think Paul McCartney should be called Macca. Really?
Billary for Bill and Hillary Clinton was a good nickname, both for its poetic assonance and the fact that in the nineties it cleverly personifed them as a single political force. Bennifer didn't have the same thematic impetus but it still sounded nice. Brangelina doesn't even sound like a word. TomKat was thought of by one person at Ok! Magazine or something. It looks like the name of a bad website and also they're annoying people to be talking about in the first place.
- Force him into a musical career with such intensity as to give the boy a case of self-doubt that will last his whole life.
- Disparage his dreams of a musical career because it is both impractical and not what the family has done for generations. (The father is probably a drunk.)
If there is a character who survived the Holocaust, at some point in the movie the tattoo on his arm will either:
- Be seen by a small child, who will ask him what it is for.
- Be seen by an adult, who will knowingly look at him with sadness.
If a woman gives her man a very old piece of jewelry before he goes off to battle, it will either:
- Be given back to her by him, and it will be the happiest part of the movie.
- Be given back to her by his best pal, and it will be the saddest part of the movie.
- 'Nuff said.
- The ass-crack of dawn.
- What happens in (wherever) stays in (wherever).
- The horizontal tango.
- Single and ready to mingle.
- You should not refer to Jack Daniels by its first name or insinuate that it is your good friend Jack.
- You should not refer to yourself in the 3rd person, especially if you are being ironic about it.
- You should not correct someone for misusing the word "literally" if they seem like a nice person.
What are you going to do about it? Why don't you send someone a you're welcome card or you're welcome gift basket? Find what you need at the new you're welcome emporium which just opened on the Internet. You'll thank me later! (And then you better believe I'm going to send you something in the mail after that!)
*estimated from my head.
Old man: Guess which candidate I'm following, just a little bit.
Bus driver: Senator Clinton.
Old man: Don't insult my intelligence.
Bus driver: Giuliani.
Old man: Don't insult my integrity.
Bus driver: Obama.
Old man: Yes! I'm following Obama. Just a little bit. Do you happen know why?
Bus driver: No I don't, sir.
Old man: Well, there's two reasons. First, he's an educated man. I can respect that.
Bus driver: Sure enough.
Old man: And secondly, he's a well-groomed man. That's very important in a candidate. You get it?
Bus driver: I got it.
Old man: But that's why his people are angry at him.
Bus driver: Oh? I didn't --
Old man: That's why he's got to have body guards around him all the time. Because his people are jealous. Because he's so well-groomed.
Bus driver: Huh. Yes sir.
Old man: You got it.
Bus driver: Say, whatever happened to Ross Perot? Haven't heard from him in a while.
Old man: No, can't say I've heard from Ross Perot.
In the rear view mirror, bus driver exchanges a sly smile with me.
It has been broadcast for example that Mandy Moore is not like Lindsay Lohan, Daniel Radcliffe is not like Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid is not like Lindsay Lohan anymore, and Anne Hathaway is especially not like Lindsay Lohan because she is both poised and modest.
If you are a normal person who sometimes gets drunk but not in front of video cameras, then you are not to be celebrated just because Lindsay Lohan is a person in the world.
And what about Lindsay? She's not a yardstick for your delinquency. She is just a girl who got addicted to drugs and is now in a sorry state. Don't do it any more please. Thank you, journalists and young celebrities.
Are thunderstorms exciting or scary?
There is a correct answer to this! Here it is:
- Thunder: 40% scary, 60% exciting
- Lightning (and you are indoors): 65% scary, 35% exciting
- Lightning (and you are not so lucky this time): 84% scary, 16% exciting
- Tornado spotted in the sky by a meteorologist: 52% scary, 48% exciting
- Tornado spotted in the sky by you: 88% scary, 12% exciting
- Hurricaines: (This is not my territory? Probably very scary)
- Getting to go down to the basement with a little transistor radio: 6% scary, 94% exciting
- Power goes out: 0% scary, 100% exciting, but are you in an iron lung?
- Flood warning: 20% scary, 3% exciting, 77% boring
- Your basement is now flooded: 6% boring, 94% dumb
If you are good at grammar, and you notice some bad grammar, there are two different things you can do about it:
1. Say something.
2. Don't say anything.
If you fall into the first camp, you are either 17 and think you are cool because you know what an infinitive is while the guy in your teacher-imposed study group does not, or you are just someone who doesn't know how to pick your fights. I'm sorry! Those are the only possibilities.
Why don't you just not say anything? Don't you know that the rule about splitting infinitives is antiquated. And sometimes bad grammar is better than good grammar at letting readers know how you really feel. Did you ever think about that?
You should think about doing a run-on sentence once, or adding exclamation marks where once there were none. It will probably free your mind.
Lots of people have natural competitive streaks, and that's okay as long as you know how to control it. And if you're a mature adult you can probably do that.
So what what's wrong with those people who can't. You are 35 and you beam with pride when you are beating your nephew 35-16 in Boggle, instead of thinking that maybe you need to take it easy the next round. Not let him win, just take it easy. That would be the normal thing to do. Do you still think the normal thing is to play 100% of your game in all situations? You need to be taught a lesson.
• Pain in my heels wearing high heels means find a place to sit down for a second.
• Pain in my arms carrying something up to my apartment means put it down for a second, and look around to see if anyone wants to carry it instead.
But what if it is a stomach ache that doesn't mean anything? Why would a stomach be angry for doing things to it like giving it water, pre-packaged Indian meal and some baby carrots. If I had that pain I would feel like I had nothing to learn from it.