The straight "dope" about heroin

What are the facts about heroin? Not a lot is known because no one you know has ever done it. The only information out there is what is in movies and on television. For instance, heroin is sometimes called "the stuff." The amount you do is directly proportional to the amount of dirty laundry on the floor of your house.

If I were on heroin, I would not want people interrupting me by saying things like "damn this is some good stuff" or "are you going to go to the club tonight?" I would say, "I paid a lot for this heroin and the nice feeling only lasts for a half an hour* and I don't want you ruining it by saying things to me."


*maybe?

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SERPENT REPENTS

From the mailbag

Dear Actually Home,

I'm a shy person, that's just who I am. But I find that in order to be a modern man, like be on the Internet, it's necessary to post one's photographic likeness and that's something I'm too ashamed to do. Should I just forget about being modern because I don't see an alternative here.

Signed,
Anonymous Man with Reddish Brown Hair


Dear Anonymous Man with Reddish Brown Hair,

I'm sorry to hear about your affliction. Did you know that you are not the only one who has it? In fact I have a feeling that most people reading this RIGHT NOW feel exactly the same way that you do.

I've made you a gift. It is a simulation of you, so you have something to post on the Internet without being ashamed. In it you are wearing comically oversized sunglasses so your friends will be too busy smiling to notice that you are shy.

Signed,
Actually Home

Assload of facts

MORGAN FREEMAN edition.

• He was the streetest cast member of The Electric Company.

• He is in a race with Donald Sutherland to be in the most movies in history.

• He is contractually obligated to do the voiceover for tender documentaries.
  

• In 1996 he and James Earl Jones got into a fight and from then on Morgan Freeman has gotten all the roles of wise black men while James Earl Jones had to appear on an episode of "According to Jim."

• He wore earrings for one day and then threw them out.
  

• He was a mechanic in the Air Force and speaks fluent French, and both of those are the truth.
  

Let's just admit it.

Winnie the Pooh was poor at spelling, but compared to other wild bears he was almost a genius.

U decide 2007

What should the new generic question and answer that people greet each other with be?

For centuries this was the only option:

- How goes it with you?
- Quite well indeed.

and people were polite about it but kind of bored and anxious. Then the 20th century happened and everyone went crazy with new questions and answers to greet each other with. In WWII era most people said:

- How are you?
- Fine thanks.

which has retained popularity in some circles even to this day. In the 1960's hippies invented:

- What's up?
- Not much.

which in 1991 was briefly relpaced with:

- What's up?
- The sky.

but this interpretation was squashed within a matter of weeks, and the generic question and answer people greet each other with became:

- How's it going?
- All right. (variation: "pretty good.")

But people have gotten fed up with this lately, and they are demanding a new option for things to say when they see their sort-of friend and don't know what to say to them. What should it be? You must decide. Please select from the options below:

Option A.
- How are you feeling?
- Healthy and strong.

Option B.
- Where are you coming from?
- A good place.

Option C.
- Is it nice to see me?
- It is always nice to see you.

Option D.
- Why has it been so long since we have seen each other?
- Because you are in such high demand.

Option E.
- Do you like this outfit?
- I love that outfit.

Option F.
(write-in)

A word that's wrong.

If you defeat someone, it means that you are the winner. But if something was a defeat for you, like if you say, "In my life there have been many defeats," it means losses, instead of wins, and that is wrong.

The person who designed this word was trying to keep English-speaking people on their toes, the way that your literature teacher puts the question "What did David Copperfield do for a living" on the test just to trick anyone who did not read the book into answering magician.

Assload of facts

CLASSIC ROCK edition.

• "Rocket Man" was supposed to be a less scary version of "Space Oddity" that would not upset the children.

• George Martin still gets sheepish and uncomfortable whenever someone calls him the fifth Beatle.

• The man who wrote "Monster Mash" can't believe that in 45 years no one has written a better song about Halloween, but that's the way it is, and he's still making a lot of money off of it.

• In "Cat's Cradle," the father was actually better off not spending time with his son because his son was an asshole.

• After the Turtles named themselves the Turtles everyone was like okay, that's enough of naming ourselves "The" and then a word after it for a while.

• Everyone got really mad about the song "Like a Rock" and to this day no one likes it.
  

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PEELS SLEEP*

* Palindrome alert y'all.

The wrap-up montage.

In simpler times the most important scene in a sitcom episode was the heart-to-heart. The rules of this scene were:

1. After much denial the truant party (you are probably picturing Stephanie Tanner) admits to an earlier wrong-doing.
2. The more morally upright person (this time let us picture Chandler) imparts some wisdom that transcends the issue at hand and reaches the hearts of us, the viewers.
   
3. (And this is an essential but forgotten rule) The mood is broken with a hilarious joke. (e.g. Joey walks in and demands a sandwich)
   

But people started to make fun of this scene (often to delightful results) and now it is harder to come by.

Which brings us to the new most important scene in television, which is the hour-long drama wrap-up montage. The rules are as follows:

1. It has to start when there are only five minutes left in the show.
2. All of the story lines that you have just seen in the last fifty-five minutes are wrapped up in a single shot where you see that even though everyone was whining about their problems they are secretly kind of happy. (e.g. The people who are probably going to get a divorce still like to smile while looking at their dog.)
3. In the background, the main female character says things that are very broad and might apply our lives.
   
4. Also in the background, a beautiful song is sung by a woman wearing mascara and a cashmere tunic.
   
5. (Optional) Something very surprising and terrible happens in the last shot. (e.g. Meredith falls into a pool!)
   

This montage can be seen on Grey's Anatomy, Men in Trees, Ugly Betty and definitely many other shows. It probably should be made fun of.

U Decide 2007

Should these things be called chick peas or garbanzo beans? Garbanzo is a fun word to say, but chick peas seems more respectful.

More facts to consider.

• Is it a pea or is it a bean? It is a legume, so it's kind of both and neither at the same time.

• "Chick pea" is of Latin origin and "garbanzo" is of Spanish origin. Yet ironically most of these things are consumed in a vegetarian eatery outside Berkeley, California.

So which will it be? U must decide.

From the mailbag

Dear Actually Home,

My birthday's coming up, and I don't know whether to throw a party at my house or have everyone meet up at a bar. What do you think?

Signed,
Undecided


Dear Undecided,

Will the event be held on your actual birthday, or just the weekend night that's closest to it? Because no one likes to be a part of this conversation:

Guest: Is today your actual birthday?
Host: No, my actual birthday is on Tuesday.
Guest: Oh.

Signed,
Actually Home

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